Tuesday, April 26, 2011

The last one hour

So.. it's 11:00 pm now, 25th of april 2011.. the last one hour of my 25..then when the date turns into 26th, my age will follow with the same number. Well, actually it's kinda a good turning.. 25th to 26th.. i mean both... date and age, though i don't really like to be older.. but what can i do? tick.. tock..tick..tock.. my clock is ticking!!

Actually, there's one thing that i've been really wanting to write in here since i can't write it anywhere else. so.. as my age's changing its number, i'm gonna move on as well. I know i've been saying this over and over again and never be succeed.. but i think i just need to let it out so i'll let it go!! i need to write it on. it's gonna be a long blog!! and people will get bored to read it! good!! cause i had no intention for people to read this one. i just wanna let it out!!. it's not a drama (though it might sounds like one).

Here's the thing, there is a guy that i met 2 years ago. we met when we were working, as a partner. i swear i had no intention to like this guy, at all!! but since he's a nice person to chat with and i found i had many things in common with him, we get a long quite well, then it turns to a crush. Somehow, he said he likes me..then we decided to kinda date..not really, but anyway.. we called it open relation ship, a short time open relationship. So.. we had a lot of fun.. he's the only person that makes me feel like talking to myself, a male version, i can sat with him without talking, just sipping our coffee.. but i felt good..i had so many things in common with him. but that's it..it's just a crush, nothing serious ( i thought) we called it "a paragraph of our life" cause we were sure that we won't meet again and it's just gonna be a nice memory.

So, it came the time when we had to say good bye, but we didn't. we just said "back to reality, enjoy reality" then he flew to another city before he supposed to go back to his country. Well, after he's gone we still keep in touch, by texting cause he was still in my country. Then i realised that i already got used to with his existence, it felt that something missing without him then i knew that it's more than just a crush, that i think i like him. To make it short, somehow we met again, twice. Once when i went to jakarta for a test, but he was seeing someone at that time and i thought i have to forget him. So i dated someone. My best friend, we sorta had history before..but then i realised, it didn't work.. i still thinking about him.Another time that we met was just before I flew to Sydney, on my transit.. in medan. he was there at the time. doing his research. so.. we went out for a half day only. another short time relationship. i'm pretty sure for him it was just a joke. but anyway.. i had a good time. so i flew.. leaved my country.. i thought i can move on.

So now we move the setting, I'm in sydney. the thing is, with technology it makes it's easier to keep in touch. so we were still talking through skype and phone. I tried to convince myself that it's just something that is not real. so we're just friend. but apparently.. my heart said different things. i keep thinking about this guy. i dated someone.. a nice cute french guy. he's such a nice person and polite. i thought i might be could forget my guy, especially since he didn't really care about me. he replied my email so slow.. i don't even know if he ever like me at all. anyway.. i don't know how it came the time when i told him that i fall for him (which was i know that's a stupid thing to say) by the way.. the french guy left. he had to go back to his country. So..back to my convention, he said that he's attracted to me too but since our circumstances we just could be like this..(i don't even know if he really likes me or he just said that to please me, since we can't be together anyway.. we were separated by ocean and continent) so.. we keep it that way. then i decided to forget him ( again ) so.. i tried not to contact him.. tried everything that i could to forget him.

Then i gotta go back to my country, and I told him that ( we're still keeping touch), we thought we might be able to meet in Bali. but then i got an email from my university that i had to go back to sydney sooner than i expect to, so i had to cancel my bali plan ( I bought the ticket already), so i took it as a sign that we're not meant to be together. so.. again!! i tried to forget him. i sent him a text "goodbye" i bet he's confuse..what good bye?? i think he had no idea how i felt about him and cannot for get him at all.
anyway.. i managed to forget him!! i thought i/m over him.. i felt so relief!! happy!! never thought about him anymore!! moved on!!yay!! (yeah.. you're right that i was wrong)

I forgot how exactly that happen, but i remember him again!! in fact at the time there's a guy that potential to dated, i mean.. i don't know yet.. but he asked me out.. i went out with him a couple of time.. not boy friend yet..but potential to be one, until he suddenly texted me again( I mean this guy that i've been trying to forget). i know i was so weak. one text or email from him, it ruined everything that i've been built. and plus the guy back to his country. he's german by the way.

so.. the points are it's not that i'm not trying to forget him. I am!!many times!! and still..but it just didn't really work. and i don't know how i keep be trapped with the guy that about to leave. most of the time!!

so..there are so many coincidences that happen between me and this guy that makes us keep missing path. i mean many signs that said that i had to forget him that he's not for me. it kinda makes me said "God,  I got it, i got your signs that we're not meant to be, but why you keep sending me the signs again??makes me even harder to forget him"

so.. when i went to NYC, somehow he was in NY, and we didn't meet. we knew that we both in the same city when he about to leave to the airport, in one hour. And now.. he's coming to my hometown for his research. yeah..it my freaking hometown. just a weak before i knew this thing i was looking for tickets to go there but i couldn't get any and finally decided not to go there, then i knew we will be there. again!! another missing path.

wow, i can't believe i spent my last hour of my 25th to write about this guy. well.. i got a decision now tho. I'm gonna put him aside. this time is for real, ima back to the term "if it's meant to be, it meant to be" i admit that i still love him ( i can't believe myself i used this term) anyway.. i don't care.. if we're not meant to be, or if he doesn't love me the way i do, then i'm sure someone else will. it just the matter of time..

so..now.. Happy birthday for me..
and I'll be happy.. I'm gonna take it easy as easy as possible..
enjoying my life (as always) i've got many things to achieve :D

ps: I'm still not over you, but..it won't kill me :) it'll makes me stronger.
pps: it's not a drama blog.. or lebay.. I'm just being honest and let it out so i can let it go :)

1 comment:

  1. Nice Note, Vida...
    But, I'm curious about this guy... Apa dia orang yang sama dengan yang pernah kita bahas panjang dan lama di Chek Yuke??

    ReplyDelete